Tonight was a normal Sunday night. My roommate Josh and I went to a luxury bar and had a peach situation drank that did the trick and tasted like the best parts of high school. Then we went home, but not before stopping at the Trader Joe's Wine store in Union Square. Or what we call, "Church." Two hours later we've finished our soup and skinny cow ice cream sandwiches..and the first bottle of two buck chuck. We are still hungry. But the goal is to NOT spend any more money so that I can save for a fancy time birthday celebration tomorrow at Apotheke! So Josh and I do what we do best to deflect from the sadness of hunger. We plan a faux dinner party. ME: Josh, where are we with the guest list? JOSH: Ok. Oprah is confirmed. ME: Who else is confirmed? JOSH: Gayle. ME: Ugh, ok. Who else we got? JOSH: Lena Dunham is coming but only if we serve your Coq au Vin that she likes so much. ME: Josh, she's a vegetarian I think. JOSH: News to me! She's out. Oh, and Barbara Walters is confirmed IF she can sit by Nora Ephron becau--- ME: Josh, honey, Nora's dead. God rest her so hard. JOSH: That goes to show how little you know. She's confirmed. She's RSVP'd Bligh. And this is a fake game. Let me have this. ME: Ok ok ok, fine I'm sorry. JOSH: It's fine. Don't do it again. ME: ...can we continue? JOSH: Yes, now let's talk about the Andy Cohen issue... ME: Issue? JOSH: Well here's the thing. Andy said he would LOVE to come to the party but only if he could invite Rosie of RHONJ as his plus one, but Oprah wants to deflect lesbian rumors with Gayle and therefore will NOT attend if Rosie is present. ME: Wait, Josh, I actually don't follow that. Why would Oprah care if Rosie was there? She hasn't been rumored to be in any kind of relationship with Rosie I really don't foll--- JOSH: BLIGH! WHAT DON'T YOU FOLLOW??! If Rosie is there and the press finds out (which they invariably will) then they connect Rosie to Oprah and Oprah to Gayle and ugh, this is so ridiculous you can't follow a train of thought here but just know she can't come! So Andy is out. Which is cool because then it'll be ok to invite Mike. ME: Mike hates Andy. JOSH: He doesn't hate him. He just thinks he's gotten shady. ME: Isn't that the same thing? JOSH: No. Drink ya juice Shelby.
Here are the basic rules of planning a fantastic faux dinner party: 1.) There are no rules. 2.) You must have enough knowledge of current events to create a guest list that will be interesting and eclectic. All the guests must have enough differences to keep the conversation flowing. So like, watch Hot Topics on THE VIEW and pick the first three people they discuss. 3.) Spend a great deal of time thinking about what cheeses you will serve. 4.) Do NOT even attempt to go on Gwyneth Paltrow's sassy-times and aggressively Type-A blog "Goop" and think you can replicate any aspect of any party she has thrown. She's better than you. She will always be better than you. She doesn't eat bread. 5.) Drink wine.
This game. This game my biddies will keep you occupied fah days! Well, not so much days but for a few hours at the very least. You'll get to giggle with a friend, drink a bottle of wine you purchased with laundry quarters, and forget for a bit that perhaps you're not where you wanna be with your life quite yet. But you're getting there. And when it all happens to fall into place, you'll be one step ahead because you'll know President Barack Obama is left-handed so don't sit him next to right-handed Barbara Walters. They'll bump elbows too much as they eat your gazpacho. Also, Nora Ephron might be dead, but she also hates a dull floral arrangement. Plan accordingly.