These last few days I had the awesome pleasure of a lil mini vacation in Charlotte, North Carolina with my faux sister Wes and her beautiful, kind, hysterical, smart children. Willow-cat is six months and perhaps the chillest baby ever. She rarely cries, she smiles on command, and she understands the serious importance of accessorizing. Her future is bright. Chase-times is brilliant, sensitive and kind, and filled to the brim with imagination. Chase is also three, and therefore feeling all the things. Now fortunately, I find the hysterics of a three-year old little guy not only ASTOUNDINGLY FUNNY but also, informative. Three year olds get it. They play a saucy game that rivals the genius behind Sorkin dialogue. They do what they want. They are the purest divas and divos I have ever met. Let me teach you. Nay, let Chase teach you. He knows. HOW TO BE A DIVA(O): Lessons from a Three-year Old
1.) Just say "No." -This seems to be the crux of how to live the diva(o) luxury life. For example, if someone asks you to do something you really REALLY find unnecessary that is putting a cramp in your style, just calmly look into their eyes and say, "No." It's quick. It's to the point. You're not being mean, per se. You're just simply stating that what they've asked you to do or adhere to is not in your agenda for the day. Here is a successful scenario.
WES: Chase, please get in your seat. CHASE: No. WES: The car is moving, please get in your seat. CHASE: (perhaps with a bit more insistence, and eye contact) No.
See? Brilliant. No explanation. No attitude. Just straight forward luxury with insistence and intention. Boom.
2.) Don't ever wear pants. -Yeah. This one I should've though of myself YEARS ago. Pants are so stupid. Why is not okay yet to just hang out like, everywhere in your underwear?? I don't get it either, Chase! Life is comfy sans pants! I truthfully think I do my best work without pants on! And yeah, it's fall and getting colder but a true diva or divo need not wear something so constricting. Social standards will say that pants are necessary. But what if society is wrong? These are the things that Chase has brought to my attention. MAYBE we are only thinking straight at three years of age, whilst pant-less. Let's all stop wearing pants, my friends.
3.) The Turn-Around Technique -This, my biddies, I saw in action a few times and it is the epitome of brilliance. A true diva or divo need not apologize for their behaviour when it reaches a certain unfavorable melt-down state, but the best of them know how to "turn it around" in their favor so as to keep their loyal subjects. Picture this. A COSTCO in suburban North Carolina. A small divo who has reached the level of "over it." A toy that was indeed promised to him but then must be taken away due to a saucy tantrum moment. A three-year old in hysterics, legs and arms flailing all around, tears galore to the point of snot running down front of face. Loud (yet impeccably supported) screaming, "I WANT MY TOY! WHERE DID THEY TAKE MY TOY! YOU ARE BEING SO MEAN TO ME!!" Now here's the brilliance right here. After the melt-down, the trick is to turn it around so fast that perhaps, the regular humans that take care of your basic needs think they imagined the whole thing. Example:
WES: Are you feeling better now that you've calmed down, Chase? CHASE: (accompanied by a hug and smile) I love you Mom. Best family ever.
...WHAT? THAT IS GENIUS! Not only did you deflect from your questionable melt-down, BUT you've complimented your caretakers about the work they do for you, and their "family." It's simple, it's direct, it's deflecting in the purest form. Bravo, little one.
4.) The Single Tear -Every once in a while even the most legitimate of divas and divos feel remorse and regret. It's natural. They are humans too, allbeit the more advanced and entitled form. And truthfully, sometimes they do the wrong thing. Not often because they usually do what they want (refer back to "Just Say No" above, please), but when it happens it is important to show the correct amount of guilt and remorse. Did you throw something? Did you kick a ball in the house? Did you break a glass bowl from the dining room? Did you tell the babysitter you were trying to give away your younger sister? Okay, fine. We all make mistakes. But the trick is to give your loyal subjects ONE SOLITARY tear of remorse. No more, no less. Mostly because giving more would exert serious energy and you need to stay hydrated. But also because, a three year old diva(o) really understand that less is, in fact, more. Leave them wanting more biddies. Works. Every. Time.
Even after all these lessons were made so clear and apparent to me, there is still so much more to learn. And so many tricks of the trade that I fear can only be learned through close observation and study. I'll have to do with this direction for now. These, and the ladybug Chase gave me the day I left, accompanied by, "Good luck in DC Bligh. I love you." I'll say it again. Fucking brilliant.