A Short Lesson in Taking Pics that Make Life Look Fancier Than It Is

A Short Lesson in Taking Pictures that Make Your Life Look Fancier Than it I

1.) Make sure you are the only blonde friend in your group. 2.) Try and "Beyonce" the picture. That's what I call weaseling your way into the center of a group of women. Seriously. Look at ANY picture of Destiny's Child from 1999-2006. Who's in the middle??? 3.) TAN THAT PICTURE UP! Growing up with a mother who called the visible blue veins on my neck/chest "the map of I-95" has made me...a lil sensitive bout how pale I am. So. Tan any and all pictures. Just do it.

Do it On a Tuesday

Whenever my family stalks me via the Facebook, their stock comments are, "You and your friends look like you are having so much fun and doing so many things! Why aren't you ever working? Do you work?" Firstly, family, that's a wee bit judgmental! I am CONSTANTLY working on my first solo business venture, an app called gaybitch.com but it is DIFFICULT to get a solid group of backers for the innovative ideas! Fret not though, for I will not give up. 


But seriously. I think something needs to be addressed as it holds true for myself and most other honest biddies that I aspire to emulate. Ready? All social media is covered in the Instagram filter of your choice. What I mean is, what you see as the observer is (most likely) not any completely truthful depiction of that person or their lifestyle. It's just not. It's pretty, yes. And in my case it's been tanned up and edited to the high heavens of deceptiveness, but it's not completely real. And that's ok. Because I believe the quickest way to becoming who you want to be is pretending to already be that way. Real life? Real life is not as glam as we'd all like it to be. Real life is being stranded at Grand Central Station at 6:30am trying to get out to Larchmont and ugly crying into the latte that caused you to go negative in your checking account, which is why you can't afford a train ticket....That was a hypothetical, by the way. That never happened. 


Here's the thing about the luxury fake life: IT'S EXPENSIVE! But the secret bout that is that it's not AS EXPENSIVE if you do it on a Tuesday. What does that mean Bligh? Well if you want to do fancy town things, it will always be cheaper on a Tuesday. And if it's not actually cheaper, you WILL be treated like a luxury biddie because apparently on Tuesday's most people are doing work related things. Example: one time my friends Juniper, Tarragon* and I decided we wanted to know what all the fuss was about strip clubs. And clearly we aren't going to go to just any strip club. We're gonna go to that fancy Scores on 28th! And we're gonna get in for free because it's 8pm on a Tuesday in the dead of summer! And we're going to get free drinks from a businessman named Rob all night because he's a regular there, approximately 112 years old, and he's loving our "breath of fresh air" presence. And for the record, YES it was sad! But not because of the female exploitation and feeling that every surface might be covered with a thin layer of semen. No. It was sad because the girls told us we had just missed their 2nd Anniversary party and there had been a HUGE buffet spread FOR FREE! With two-bite shrimp and everything! 


Another chichi thing to do on a Tuesday? Go to a psychic. Friday is still far away, and no one is happy or optimistic enough at this point of the week to want to know a damn thing about their future. BUT my girl Tiffany on the corner of 13th and Ave A will hook. it. up. Seriously. She has probably not seen anyone all day, so when you walk through her door she's going to give you a 30 minute reading for half-price. And she's only going to tell you positive and uplifting things about your future spouse/career because she's also going to try and sell you a healing crystal. Don't buy that crystal. Just enjoy the Tuesday night positive reading. 


This very recent Tuesday my closest biddies and I went apple picking and NO ONE  else was there! The cons were that the alpaca farm and the winery were closed (my two goals for the trip.) The pros were that we got a free bag of apple donuts for no reason and there wasn't anyone else there to ruin the aesthetic of our perfectly staged and expertly edited picture of FUN! So moral here is: do be  bougie and live the life you want. But, if possible, do it on a Tuesday. Oh, and slap a filter on it first. 


*the names of my friends have been changed to names of spices so as to sound as fake/trendy as my real name is. And to protect their identity because not everyone wants to admit to missing a killer buffet at a strip club.