Relax...Well, Not That Much.

I think we can say, as a family, that we all put our bodies through some insane things. Like four to five cup coffee days. And drink the brown liquor like it's water days. And eat raw brownie batter because it's been a week already days. I am not proud of this but during my second Freshmen year of college I was feeling all kinds of sorry for myself because well, Boston was real cold, I had no friends, and I spent the majority of my time binge watching Nip/Tuck that I developed a serious addiction to butter and brown sugar. Yes. You read correctly. If you take a stick of butter, melt it a little bit and add about a half cup of brown sugar and mix all that together you are living a dream. Not THE dream, but something close. Suffice to say my body was not pleased with this snack vice of choice, and it took a winter break home with my loved ones politely saying, "get it together" and a few months of Weight Watchers meetings in Copley Square with a gaggle of supportive middle-aged Bostonians for me to realize things needed to change. And they did! I learned all about the point system and eating to be full and that white wine was NOT a basic food group! And I discovered yoga, and started running races, and swimming again. And it's from this springboard that I have become that girl who will try any workout, class, competition, challenge, cleanse, holistic practice, meditation. Expect p90x. That shit looks crazy. Which brings me to a weekday in the not so distant past in New York City. My luxury managers offer Reiki healing to their clients as a means of utilizing the practice while auditioning. Reiki is based on the idea that there is this "life force energy" that flows through us and when that energy is low, we get sick or stressed, or unfocused. I. Love. This. I drink the Kool Aid for stuff like this. "Why not try it?", I think to myself. It's complimentary, it's offered to me in a calming environment, and it's gotta be safer than that time I got sketchy acupuncture next to a transgendered heroine addict. So, I sign up for a time and eagerly await the next way to give BACK to my bods.

I show up at my assigned session overly caffeinated but also excessively hydrated. The Reiki healer lady (who is the epitome of earth-mother-goddess luxury!) had suggested we drink a lot of water before the session because it can take a lot out of you and you're never fully aware how your body will respond. I took that to heart. It was 2pm and I was on my fourth (read: probably more like second) full 2-liter bottle of water. I had to pee. But just a little bit. And I was so SO excited about what Reiki was all about that a bathroom break would have to take a back burner to my spiritual energy awakening.

So here's how Reiki went for me. You lay on a table and try and breathe through the bottoms of your feet. That sounds impossible? But it's not and it feels INCREDIBLE! Try it. Try it right now. Breathe through the bottom of your damn feet and tell me that doesn't feel kinda cool. And if you feel nothing take a minute to laugh at the fact that you just tried to breathe through your feet. Because that's funny, too. Ok, so after feet breaths are established, the healer starts touching you and applying delicate pressure with their hands all over your body....Now you wanna try it. Be real. It feels like the healer's hands are glowing and radiating light all over you and your body and your muscles are taking all this energy and relaxing. Like, RELAXING. I felt like what I assume a a B-list celebrity feels like after a Betty Forde stint. I was so relaxed I could feel myself melting into this table. I couldn't hear anything besides the healer's voice and my own breath...through my feet. If magic is real, it goes by the name of Reiki, that's how quickly I became a converted believer.

And then, just as quickly as it had started, it was over. But I was different. Like, all my neck tension was gone and I was standing straighter and I could breathe fully. I was so relaxed. There was a slight buzzing in my ears. I decided not to worry about that. I thanked the healer as I guzzled the half bottle of water I had left and exited the building. Life was good. I felt like my whole body was vibrating and all was right in the world and I could vaguely taste the color blue and everything in my life was going to be fine and I would win that Teen Choice Award and somehow I'd be able to pay my rent this month and the hole in the Ozone Layer was fixing itself and Heaven was real and OH MY GOD AM I PEEING? Am I PEEING a lil baby bit on the corner of 28th and Broadway IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY??? Yes. I am. I was so relaxed and focused on my breathing feet and vibrating body that I guess, I forgot to pee. And so I guess my bladder was like, "gotcha." Because here I was, peeing. So then I do what any normal person would do. I start to lightly jog down Broadway. After peeing a lil bit. On the busy streets of the New York of Cities. Just a solid, healthy afternoon jog...with a big-ass bag carrying my rep book, heels, and the giant water bottle that got me into this mess in the first place. I proceed to jog all the way to 14th and 8th, then cross town to the east side, through Union Square, all the way home to 14th and Ave A. Like a lady.

What I want to say is this: Reiki healing is still awesome. I'm just clearly challenged. Most adults have the ability to be entirely relaxed and reap the benefits from healing practices and still remember to, you know, use the bathroom. Not me. But NOW I know. And have your own opinions about Lululemon as a company, but that "moisture wicking" component to their clothing is the REAL. DEAL. When you get home after your pee jog of shame you'll be glad you wore wonder unders. You'll make yourself a butter and brown sugar snack and all will be right in the world. Take a deep breath. Through your feet.